CA Party Justice Department
Good morning Comrades,
Instructions with regard to the probable charges and arraignment of the former leader of the opposition.
A note came through from The High Spymaster today, stating that Citizen Johnson, Boris, had been arraigned on charges of Mass Murder, False Opinion and Class Betrayal. About time too. He will be tried by COPO within the week. A guilty verdict is expected, and COPO Director, Howard Windows, has muted that he’ll be going for the maximum sentence. In the event of the charges being secured, followed by the guilty verdict the Justice Secretary, the Rt Hon Mike Wardrobe assures us will be made, Johnson has far more than the most basic ritual hanging to look forward to.
He is to receive the Death Penalty, by way of being Hung, Drawn and Quartered. The punishment Wardrobe requested involves being caned on the naked buttocks and genitals until he bleeds profusely. Hanging will follow this, performed until the traitor is almost dead. At this point he will be resuscitated, and tied to the board which is to be drawn through the streets by horses.
NB. The precise rule for the old second act, (which is now of course the third act), that of being ‘Drawn by horses’ for a mile, as you know, replaced the old rule in 1976. (see 3rd Amendment to the precise rules which were first laid down in The 1351 Treason Act). It was found, as we all remember, that on too many occasions, being ‘drawn by horses’ across the ground was being used, possibly by sympathizers of the condemned, as a device to render some prisoners unconscious or even dead before they could be made to experience the entire punishment. So, take care in securing the prisoner to the board, leaving plenty of headroom to make sure he arrives at the place of final execution in a conscious state.
He will then be totally resuscitated with a bucket of cold water, while still being upright and bound. He will then be disembowelled, and be made to watch his own bowels burning on a fire close-by. This will take an enormous weight off his mind. He will then be hung again, his body quartered and sent to four quarters of the kingdom to eventually be used in the local Whiskas factories.
This will be done to avoid sending his remains to the actual four corners, like St Ives, Carlisle, Berwick, or Dover, and the middle, for instance Bassetlaw, where he is still quite popular. Important. The fact that he used to have six people of colour in his cabinet must be played down. At all costs, we must maintain that he is a racist.
Repeat. None of his remains must be sent to these areas for fear of even the most minor of minor disorder. We realise that the four quarters used to be sent to these kinds of towns, and hung in prominent places, but his old support in those places might lead to some unrest. The execution must take place in an as yet unnamed part of London, where his former popularity is now at it’s lowest. His head is to be stuck on Westminster Bridge, where his support was likewise almost always comparatively low.
Further to today’s business, Jendrick, Robert, has recently been found guilty of traveling home to be with his wife and children, and to have left food on the doorstep of his aging parents in a distant town in the west. As we know, this is punishable by media death, so he will have to be excluded from all mention in the media, and be discredited at every opportunity. He must become the subject of extreme dishonour. Reports of him or his family doing any good in any community must be suppressed at all costs, and I will forward the request to have him smeared and insulted on his Dikipedia page. He must be excluded from all public notice for at least ten years, or until he converts to the true faith.
After all, as we know, it isn’t possible for these educated liberal right wing types to be re-educated in the natural laws of being subjected to the poverty and helplessness of the ‘silent majority’. At all costs, the said ‘silent majority’ must continue to be forced into this hapless position. The King wishes to keep the whole of the said ‘silent majority’ in bondage to The Party. We need absolute control. We need optical enhancement in every social space to maintain the status quo, and in order to reveal any un-proscribed behaviour. We cannot afford generosity. Generosity of spirit leads to all kinds of social ills and can even result in happiness, which might lead to euphoria, which must be put down.
Next week’s trials involving lesser criminals will be held in the open on Shepherds Bush green. They will include minor celebrities, and other insignificant anti-government figures such as fake poet Roy Harper, who has offended the regime by writing an allegedly anti-government pamphlet, which was, obviously in our view, intended to invite the government of King Jeremiah1 to study evidence suggesting that some in the opposition might be considered to be human. This is rubbish and must be resisted.
His attorney, Dr Brumbaugh, is said to be intending to offer up Harper’s interminable treatise as being based largely on unbiased pragmatic thinking, which, as I’m sure we all agree, is a feeble defence. The jury will comprise anyone who wants to show up on the day, and the verdict will be agreed on a show of hands.
However, he is likely to be found guilty before any evidence is considered, especially as evidence is not required since the innovation of the internet. He is likely to be ordered to spend the rest of his miserable life in complete obscurity.
Rotten eggs, fish, fruit and vegetables will be distributed at the Theatre end of the Green. Anyone found holding eggs or fruit ten minutes after the verdict has been read out will be led to the stocks and stoned by the rest of the mob. Hear Ye. Hear Ye.
Home Secretary, Rt. Hon Johannes Twert. Party member #2020999The Constructive Ambiguity Party – Make Britain Groan Again. Tel. Whitehall 1212 for further information.